Monday, August 19, 2013

Oprah & Lindsay Lohan: The Good, The (Mostly) Bad, and of course The Fashion

After I watched the Lindsay Lohan interview on Oprah's Next Chapter I knew that I had to write about it.  As soon as it was over the first thought I had was, "Well, there's an hour of my life I'll never get back."  While Oprah is notorious for being easy on her interviews with celebrities I was honestly expecting more from the self-proclaimed queen of all media.  At least for OWN's ratings' sake- we know they need them.  So below I'll break down the interview and what I thought were the biggest omissions, lies, and missed opportunities.

The Fashion
Lindsay Lohan
I'm going to say it.  I like this dress.  Interesting how she dresses more conservatively for her sit-down with Oprah than she has for most of her court appearances, n'est-ce pas?  While her breasts look a bit droopy at least they are covered.  And I'm sure she gained a few well needed lbs and they grew from actually eating now that she's off Adderall, but more on that later.   I'm not a fan of polka dot anything personally, but when I texted my friend "ew" regarding Lohan's black and white polka dot heels, she informed me that it was a very Jackie O pairing.  She's in the fashion industry so I couldn't argue but I still wasn't a fan.  At least "the suspect didn't wear Louboutins," right?  I liked the ponytail so we could see her face,  although it barely moved due to a massive amount of recent post-rehab Botox.  At least I couldn't see a single hair extension track.  Well done!   I could've lived without the blue nail polish, but there was no message on her nails.  I guess we can learn things through jail and court-ordered rehab. All in all, Lohan looked clean and appropriate for her interview with her new sugar mama...I mean...fairy godmother. 

Oprah also tried to do her version of a matronly Jackie O.  Her gray sweater was nice and I liked the detail, but it was predictable.  Her hair has been working for her the past few years and she wore it the same way last night.  I'm of the Jennifer Aniston/Gwyneth Paltrow school of style.  When you have a signature look that is working for you for a long period of time, don't fuck with it.  That being said, Oprah's ensemble was more boring than the actual interview.  She may not have wanted to clash with the tangerine queen but some color would have been nice.  Notice the absence of jewelry.  I wonder if that was intentional so LiLo wouldn't be tempted to get her sticky fingers on it.

The Interview
The Intention
I like it when Oprah breaks the forth wall and allows the audience to hear things that she and her subject have spoken about "off camera."  It's a total psychological power play on her part, but a fun one for the audience nonetheless.  Before she started poaching (yes poaching since grilling clearly can't be applied) Lohan she shared that she had asked Lindsay what she hoped to get out of the interview before they started and Lohan's answer was that she wanted people to see the real her.  We're just starting out so I'm going to leave that one alone...

Alcohol and Cocaine and Chaos- Oh My!
The pre-commercial break teasers were so good!
"What was your drug of choice?"  "Do you think you're addicted to chaos?"  Oprah had decent questions, but the were answered with lies and there was a serious lack of follow-up. 

Alcohol was Lohan's answer to her drug of choice.  When Oprah asked about cocaine, Lohan sheepishly told her that she'd tried it 10-15 times.  10-15 times?  Excuse me?  Did you mean 10-15 lines?  And was that per hour?  Per day?   What about when you were arrested for DUI and you had a vile of coke in your pants pocked and you insisted to the police that they weren't your pants.  Was that one of the 10-15 times?  And there was no mention of other illegal drugs.  And Oprah didn't push for it.  But if I was a betting woman I would say that BlowHan has for sure tried meth.  Why do the "in-depth" interview when you're just going to lie.  You're a decent actress honey, but you won't be given any awards for this performance because I don't think that anyone is believing the bullshit coming out of your mouth. 

You guys, Linds is off Adderall!!  Yes I know this is a controlled substance that's prescribed like candy in LA but it's a pill.  Break it in half and ween yourself off.  She claimed that her being off Adderall was what was different about her coming out of treatment this time as opposed to the other five, six, times...uh-huh.

"Are you addicted to chaos," Oprah asked Lindsay.  To which she replied yes. She briefly touched upon the point that she grew up in a very chaotic household, but later pretty much reversed any possible twinge of sympathy the audience was feeling for her when she told Oprah that she didn't feel exploited by her parents or blame them for anything and that her story of her home life is actually "boring" and the media doesn't want to write about it so they write about her other antics instead.

Side Note- While Oprah chronicled Lohan's many trips to rehab she mentioned her first stint at the Wonderland facility in 2007 and Lohan admitted that she voluntarily checked herself in for Ambien because she had a scare and didn't react well.  That was perhaps the one time that Oprah gave Lohan the stank eye and jabbed that it's what most people use just to sleep.  More bullshit.

Her Money
There was talk about her 7 million dollar per picture salary around the time of Just My Luck and Lohan admitted that she wasted it and didn't have anyone advising her financially so she didn't invest it and she blew through it.  There was no mention of Lohan's massive debts to the IRS or how she continued to live an essentially lavish lifestyle despite the fact that she has less money than I do.  Just glossed over that one O.

Her Parents
Since Oprah has 2 million dollars riding on Lohan she wanted the public to fall in love with her again and she gave Lindsay the opportunity to turn on the sympathy tears while discussing her family.  The phone call between LiLo and her father was mentioned where Lindsay called her ever-so-humble father Michael and claimed that her mother Dina was on coke.  Lindsay wished the call had stayed private.  Duh!  And claimed that her statements were false and she said the worst possible thing she could to hurt her mother as they were in the midst of a typical mother/daughter fight.  I don't know about you but I've never accused my mother of being a coke head during a fight.  Have I said some surly things to my mother before? Sure.  But I've never equated her to a drug lord.  But all is fine and once again, Lindsay was never exploited.  Dina must've read her the riot act and told her to keep CPS at bay.  In my opinion, Dina Lohan has less business raising children than Britney Spears did at the time of her meltdown.

Lindsay told Oprah very adamantly that she's a spiritual question.  Why Oprah, for once, did ask a follow-up question and asked her to explain what she meant by that Lohan answered that she prayed and meditated.  I'm sorry but only time this girl has ever meditated is when she's overdosed at the Chateau Marmont and gone towards the white light.

Her Future Plans
Lindsay just wants to get back to work and prove herself.  She wants to be on time and professional and just loves being on set.  Does someone that loves being on set always show up to set late?  I believe that her new movie, The Canyons, made about $30,000 the first weekend it opened on the coasts so I wouldn't put all of your eggs in that basket, darling.

The End
The interview concluded with Oprah basically reading Lohan the riot act about an upcoming trip to Europe less than a week after being released from rehab.  Lohan tried to explain that it was for a yoga/spiritual retreat and while Oprah tried to mask her disapproval of the plan with concern, it was for sure a warning.  

At the end of the interview a title card came on the screen that read, "Two days later, Lindsay Canceled Her Vacation To Europe."

Oprah's Missed Questions
I don't know about you all but one hour sure as hell was not enough to cover all of Lohan's drama.  And while Oprah omitted various aspects of her life completely (lets say it was for time purposes), there were a lot of things she should have touched on.  Girl, it's your network, you couldn't have made it two parts?  Here are the main questions/topics I thought were missing from the interview.

1) Lindsays "Fuck You" Fingernail in court.  While discussing Lohan going to jail, Oprah even rolled footage of Lindsay the day that she had Fuck You written on her fingernail in court.  One would think that Oprah would've asked her why she would do that?  Were you disrespecting the court?  Are you sorry?  Are you just that stupid.  The footage was right there and I was waiting and I got nothing.

2) Her Past Overdoses
Again we have her fame whoring father to thank for this one.  He admitted that Lohan overdosed at 18.  Instead of Oprah asking her if her first DUI arrest was a wake up call, maybe she should have asked her about being on the brink of death, what that was like, and what effect it had on her.

3) Lindsay's Altercation During Her First Stint At Betty Ford
I would've asked Lindsay why she has no respect for authority and why she can't follow the rules and get her sit together even in rehab. 

4) The Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Nicole Richie of it all
There was talk of people being in Lohan's life for the wrong reasons i.e. hangers on but no mention about the toxic friendships with her celeb party pals.

5) Eating disorder
Speaking of Nicole Richie, Oprah never asked Lohan about her fluctuating weight.  Especially when she was a skeleton.  You'd think that someone that spent 25 years on a talk show chronicling people's weight loss and gains she would have at least asked Lindsay if she had an eating disorder.  I'm sure she would've lied and said no.  Or maybe she doesn't and it was just the drugs taking it off and the alcohol's empty calories putting it back on, but she should have asked.

6) Reports That Lindsay Is A High Class Hooker
Again, it's no secret that Lohan has financial troubles.  Hell it's probably the only reason she agreed to do Oprah's docu-series.  2 million bucks baby.  But there have been numerous reports that she's an escort for a variety of Middle Eastern men.  If that was a rumor swirling around about you and your intention for this interview was to clear the air, wouldn't you want the opportunity to deny it?

7) Stealing
With all of Lohan's court dates and trouble with the law were mentioned, there was never a word uttered about stealing.  Not the necklace from the jewelry store, not that Russian girl's coat from a nightclub.  Nada.

8)  Charlie Sheen
How could Oprah NOT have asked anything about her relationship to or with Charlie Sheen?  Well we will never know because she didn't!

The Docu-Series
 Of course before the interview concluded Oprah had to give a plug for their new docu-series that will star Lohan and air on OWN.  If this interview is any indication of what's to come it will be even more staged than Keeping Up With The Kardashians.  Fluff to gain ratings and an attempt for Lohan to attempt to have a presence on the small screen and some money in her bank account.  I'm going to have to say that I will pass on it.

The End 
All in all it was pretty bOring.  It would've been more fun and maybe more in depth if Andy Cohen had done the interview.  Her only demand would have been that they couldn't play "Plead The 5th."  It brings back too many memories for Lohan.  Her mea culpa was mega dull.  While I would never pray for someone to fail at sobriety, I just don't see her new found clarity lasting longer than a necklace at an unattended jewelry store.  She isn't being honest. It's like OJ Simpson syndrome.  I think that he really convinced himself he didn't kill his wife.

On a side note I'd like to take this opportunity to ask Lindsay and Keith Richards as well for their organs when they pass on.  Seems like they're indestructible. 

What did you guys think of the interview?