Wednesday, November 2, 2011

ANOTHER Analysis of Lindsay Lohan's Courtroom Fashion

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Hopefully 30 days behind bars will give Lindsay a chance to catch up on reading W, Vogue, & Harpers Bazaar (assuming she can read). This outfit makes her looked like a cracked out Lucy Ricardo. Honey, Ricky, Fred, & Ethel peaced out on you long ago. First off, the polka dots do not make you look more innocent. They more look like spots of cocaine you forgot to wipe off your blue dress. Another Chanel bag, isn't going to gain the sympathy of the judge, because she probably doesn't earn enough money to even buy one for herself. And the neckline is totally wrong. Not only does it make your boobs look like one giant uniboob, but if you wanted some sympathy, you shoulda shown a little cleave. The glasses and hair are just bad and I'll leave it at that, because I've already given you a tongue lashing...and I have a feeling you can be expecting a lot more of those in prison. I hope that while you're eating your faux turkey meal in the slammer on Thanksgiving you'll be thankful for the fact that you have designer clothes given to you (although god only knows why at this point), and you will start making an effort. Maybe an early 2012 resolution...besides staying off drugs and out of jail.

Wishing you well on your mini-vacay starting Nov. 9th.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Don't Call Me A Party Girl

The term "party girl" is basically the new socially acceptable way to say drunken slut. It sounds casual and colloquial, but make no mistake, this is now a derogatory character description. But what exactly is a party girl? Is a party girl someone that goes out with their friends? Is a party girl the girl that becomes the sloppy mess falling the the club? Is a party girl the girl that goes out to look for a hook up? Or can the party girl just be a girl who doesn't want to sit at home on the weekends? Listen, all of the above can describe any girl. Some girls are just better about keeping their activities surreptitious. A guy is basically asking to figure out whether or not he will be able to fuck you the same night that he meets you. But just because you go out doesn't mean that you are a "party girl" in the inebriated whore way. I hate it when people ask me "are you a party girl?" Do you mean I like to be social? Or do you mean that if you buy me two drinks I will come out of my dress faster than cocaine goes up Lindsay Lohan's nose? Just because I go to a club doesn't mean I'm going to give you a lap dance to the new Rihanna song or pour shots in my mouth straight from the bottle. Based on this new social stigma my options are apparently 1) sitting at home watching a Pretty Little Liars marathon On Demand with a pint of Ben&Jerry's (which let me tell you, some nights sounds like a fabulous option), or 2) going out to enjoy myself with my friends and basically being branded with a Scarlett A. I'm onto you. This "party girl" stigma is NO compliment. Sticks and stones my break bones but words and assumptions are much more deadly. Don't lump us all in as party girls because we enjoy a drink and an evening away from our couch. That is all.


Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Lindsay Lohan Courtroom Fashion: An Analysis Part 2

Lets start from top to bottom, because I have too much to say and I want to keep my thoughts organized.

I'd like to perform my own community service and alert all of my readers that for ten years now, Goody, and various other hair accessory companies have been making clear, yes, clear, hair ties! I know, the things they can accomplish with technology these days. Stop wearing a black hair tie when you have blonde hair (or weave). It looks tickity tacky. Also, you've done a lot of blow in your day, and now it's time for a blow out. It would be great if you could run some shampoo and conditioner through those extensions before they get even more matted together.

Make Up
I'm not going to say that I hate the make up. Ok, who are we kidding? Of course I will. But it isn't appropriate for the daytime. No one needs to wear that much blush unless you're performing on Dancing With The Stars. And cool it with the Dior Show. We all like mascara but there's a fine line, honey.

The Scarf
I will never understand wearing sleeveless clothing and then a scarf around your neck. If anything, you lose warmth from your head first, so she could've benefitted from a fedora or a J-Lo/Kardashian style floppy hat. The only reason to wear a scarf when wearing a sleeveless dress is to cover up hickeys or vampire bites- and I think Rob Pattinson has kept a very safe distance from Ms. Lohan at all times. Yes, it's foggy and 61 degrees F in LA right now but you could've worn a dress with sleeves if you were concerned about the temperature. Not only is the scarf not necessary, but it's the same color as the dress. Couldn't we have gotten a blush pink or baby blue. She clearly doesn't have the money to go tanning anymore so we need to do something about that pasty skin tone. Or ask your Sevyn Nine line to send you some tan in a can. Because you probably aren't allowed inside a Sephora.

The Earrings
These (what appear to be) floral shaped studs are ok. I'm assuming they probably came from XIV Karats or they were a "gift" as she isn't allowed anywhere near the store in Venice she stole from. On second thought, probably good she was wearing the scarf so she wasn't wearing anymore potential evidence for the court.

The Bag
I like this bag. It's Chanel. What's not to like? And you can never go wrong with metallics- especially gold. And nothing says I'm a law abiding citizen like a sick slouchy purse. And she will probably have gold teeth soon from her next visit to the slammer, so she will be color coordinated.

Fuck winter white. I mean, who does she think she's fooling with this dress. Yes, it's more court appropriate and a bit more demure...but you aren't exactly Doris fucking Day, Lindsay. Everyone sees right through you (and for your sake I hope you're wearing a bra and thong this time). The "good girl" Fendi white angelic dress isn't going to change anyone's mind. Hopefully you're focusing more on Fendi than felonies these days. A for effort, though.

The black bracelet is hideous. BUT, it does match her rotting teeth. Perhaps our girl LL didn't want to be berated again for wearing something too nice since the Louboutin episode at her last appearance. As Carla Gugino aka Cheeka Barnfeld stated in Troop Beverly Hills "Too many accessories clutter an outfit." Ditch the bracelet and stop being an accessory to crime!

I adore these Giuseppe Zanotti peep-toe shoes. Again, I'm a huge fan of metallics anytime, any place. And it's hard to go wrong with a platform and stiletto heel. These can also be used as a weapon in an escape attempt or could be traded for a pack of Parliment Lights inside. And kudos for matching them with the bag. Too bad these belong on the red carpet instead of being caught red handed for being kicked out of your probation program.

Lindz added a last minute accessory of handcuffs at the end of her hearing. Tisk, tisk. The only place the cuffs are a chic accessory is in the bedroom. Faux pas!

Overall, I'm not a huge fan of this look. Lindsay Lohan needs to stick to what she does best...leggings and plaid button down shirts. The, I just fucked a guy for a rock of meth look is really your bread and butter. Let Leighton Meester do the Upper East Side look. It doesn't work for you.

Her hearing is set for Nov 2nd. I can't wait to see what she turns up in then. And lets keep our fingers crossed that it spans multiple days so we can get even more Lindsay Lohan courtroom fashion.

Did you like today's ensemble? Was it more Elle magazine or Elle Woods?

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Courtroom Fashion: The Amanda Knox Edition

From Foxy Knoxy to Very Sloppy to Celebrity Copy

Here's Amanda Knox before she went on her semester abroad in Italy in 2007. While this outfit is beyond questionable, lets keep in mind that she is a twenty-year-old from Seattle, WA. To me, this screams "I shop at Hot Topic and love my ironic Care Bears t-shirt." I don't know how she was dubbed "Foxy Knoxy" looking at this ensemble, but she could have had a banging bod underneath.
Uh, oh...Amanda's in trouble. Girl loves her green, huh? The coat is hideous but even worse are the police escort accessories. Bad girls are hot, but accused murderers are another story. Perhaps she was trying to debunk the "Foxy Knoxy" promiscuity rumors because, girl, there's nothing hot about a plastic bag. You're in Italy! There's got to be a Prada outlet somewhere near Perugia, right??
When I first saw this picture, my first thought was is this a skirt or shorts. That is never a good sign. Amanda, get your act together. Can you request a copy of Vogue with your visitor's rights? I get that you need to be modest, but again, you're in ITALY for christ's sake. The fashion capital of the world...AND your photos in court are serviced all over the world and on the internet. Step it up.
This isn't my favorite, but it's an improvement. Very J.Crew looking. How jealy do you think she is that the officer holding her has a red mani? I bet your cuticles get super narsty in the clink.
Finally! Something camera-worthy! Loving the shirt, girl! And you've been studying those Italian models. Your pout looks fierce. Remember girl, smize!
I'm going to cut Amanda some slack. I'm sure there's no deep conditioning treatment in jail. And blow dryers are probably a no-no as well. Sometimes you have to cut it all off to start over again. I wouldn't re-visit this haircut if I were her, but since it was probably necessary, I'm gonna say she has a Demi Moore/Ghost thing going on.
Well, looky here! That blush pink really compliments her skin tone and I'm loving the neckline. NOW I see a glimpse of Foxy Knoxy.
Freedom is the hottest ensemble and here's Amanda begging for hers. I'm assuming she wanted the court to focus on her words and not her appearance. Bravo for knowing when less is more.
Hey girl hey! Is that Nicole Richie? Overdsized sweater, leggings, flat boots! Now, a free woman, Amanda is looking like a star. It will only be a matter of time before Rachel Zoe comes calling. This is a paparazzi ready outfit. Kudos.
While the outfit is fab, I have to call out the scrunchie. I know she was away for four years, but she is aware this isn't 1992. The white scrunchie looks like a messed up version of a hair wrap (remember those???). Because you had a long journey home from Italy, I will let it slide. But consider this your warning from the fashion police.

Amanda's ordeal in Italy was terrible, but at least spending some time in one of the fashion capitals of the world gave her some sick style. I think we have a future fashionista in the making. Congratulations on your freedom Amanda. Time to head to the mall!


Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Diet Like A Star

Want to look like a star? Go from this (photo of Lindsay Lohan where she looked healthy, hot, and thin) to this (photo of Lindsay Lohan with her puffy face and under eye bags) in just a matter of weeks. Try the celebrity tested Chateau Marmont diet. This simple diet plan consists of 3 packs of Parliment Lights each day to be smoked at breakfast, lunch, dinner, and all hours in between, vodka cocktails, and of course the Chateau's famous Spaghetti Bolgenese. Can't get a res at The Chateau? No problem. Here's our make it at home version of the cocktail and Blogenese. For faster results, omit the Blogenese all together. For fitness, throw cocktails in your ex-lover's face as often as possible and arrive at nightclubs you've been banned from so you will have to walk away for some extra cardio.

Vodka Cocktail

2 oz vodka

3 oz soda water

1 Klonopin crushed (optional)



2 ounces dried porcini mushrooms, wiped of grit

1/4 pound pancetta or slab bacon, finely chopped

1 medium onion, finely chopped

2 celery stalks, finely chopped

2 carrots, finely chopped

5 garlic cloves, minced

2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil, plus more for drizzling

2 bay leaves

2 sprigs rosemary

1 1/2 pound ground pork

1 1/2 pound ground beef

2 cups milk

1 (28-ounce) can crushed tomatoes

2 cups dry red wine

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

1 pound dry tagiatelle pasta

Freshly grated Parmigiano-Reggiano, for serving

1 handful fresh basil leaves

Fresh ricotta cheese


Reconstitute the mushrooms in boiling water for 20 minutes until tender, drain and coarsely chop.

Puree the mushrooms, pancetta, onion, celery stalks, carrots, garlic, together in a blender.

In a heavy-bottomed pot add olive oil, bay leaves, herbs and cook gently until fragrant, then add vegetable puree and continue to cook for a further 5 to 10 minutes.

Raise the heat a bit and add the ground pork and beef; brown until the meat is no longer pink, breaking up the clumps with a wooden spoon. Add the milk and simmer until the liquid is evaporated, about 10 minutes. Carefully pour in the tomatoes, and wine and season with salt and pepper. Bring the sauce to a boil, then lower the heat and cover. Slowly simmer for 1 1/2 to 2 hours, stirring now and then, until the sauce is very thick. Taste again for salt and pepper.

When you are ready to serve, bring a large pot of salted water to a boil, add the pasta and cook for 8 to 10 minutes or until tender yet firm (as they say in Italian "al dente"). Drain the pasta well and toss with the Bolognese sauce.

How do YOU diet?



Monday, October 3, 2011


Namaste. Namaste. Namaste! I must say this 50+ times a day. I guess I think that the more you say it the more chance it has of working. But I'll be honest, I think it's my "serenity now", so see you all at Bellevue in the next five years. I practice yoga. Not as often as I'd like to, or as I should. But I never get that zen vibe from it. I always feel like I'm doing something good for my body but I never feel that equilibrium.

My mother was recovering from surgery and her insurance covered private yoga teacher/therapist told her that yoga was as stress relieving as 1/10th of Xanex. That it was the natural form released by your body. Well, I don't know if this lady has had grade A pharmaceutical Xanex but that is bullshit. I've never felt as calm on anything as I do on Xanex. It's not that I was to be a pill popper, despite my name, but I tried it the natural way and it has never worked.

Whenever something goes wrong in my day I say to myself (or blurt out loud depending on how critical the situation is) namaste!!! I'm still holding out hope that one day it will work- or at least lower my blood pressure.

Do you have any tricks for staying calm when shit hits the fan?

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Is It Ever OK To Steal?

Thou shalt not steal is the eighth commandment. I thought it was first, but thank you Google, and sorry years of Sunday School spent wishing I was at the park playing like normal kids. But, God's sidekick Moses brought down some stone tablets told us we better whip our asses into shape. But that was like forever ago. A lot has changed. When commandments meant something Real Housewives were people who actually cooked and cleaned for their families.

So, is it ever ok to steal? The only time I ever want to is at the hair salon. Walking into the closet at my fancy Beverly Hills salon is very tempting. There's Missoni, Chanel, and Prada...oh my! They are all arranged on wood hangers just lounging there until their owner comes to pick them up. I'd never actually take anything but the thought always crosses my mind. I mean, that Rebecca Taylor leopard cashmere sweater would just go so perfectly with the jeans I have on. And it seems like stealing gets you in a minimal amount of trouble these days (if you get caught). Hi Lindsay and Winona. Yeah, I'm talking about you.

I find it even more fascinating that now-a-days, it's people who have the money to actually purchase these items that are getting a cheap thrill from swiping them. It's OK if it crosses your mind. And I'll say up front if I ever see a pair of size 37.5 Louboutins laying around in the street like a lost wallet they might not be going back to their owner...but if you take something that's something you aspire to have, what do you have left to work for. That Birkin bag will mean so much more when you've accomplished a task to earn it than if you got a five finger discount.

So, I think thou shalt not steal is pretty right on. I mean there isn't a commandment about fantasizing about it. That's what makes us human.

Have you ever stolen? What would you fantasize about stealing? High-end jewel heist? Or a priceless Banksy?


Monday, September 26, 2011

Things I Learned At The Club Over The Weekend

You'd think I'd have it all figured out by this point, but sometimes I still learn lessons about the club. It may sound shallow, but think about it. There's no better social microcosm where people are in their least inhibited state. I hope these are as useful for you guys as they were for me.

NOTE: These may only be applicable to Los Angeles but, if you live somewhere else, they are worth a shot!

1. I Need To Dress Sluttier
Nice guys may finish last, but you know who always finishes first? Girls who dress slutty! This weekend, I was in my phase where I had to be out at "the club" but I didn't feel like getting all dolled up. I decided to go for skinny jeans, a sheer black top, and a black bra. If I went into a house of worship dressed like that I would've immediately burst into flames, but on the nightlife scene I might as well have been wearing a burka. Less than a handful (the actual number is actually embarrassing so I don't want to put it out there) talked to me. Really? I don't get these blond hair extensions sewn into my head for nothing. Meanwhile, it looked like Forever 21 exploded up in there. The girls in the polyester and latex mini dresses got all of the attention. Before any of you say it, I's not like I'd want those guys who were interested in those type of girls...but I wanted their attention in the moment. Needless to say, a shopping trip might be in order. Goodbye Gucci, hello clothes that are glued together by starving children in the Philippines.

2. Hanging Out With Celebrities Sometimes Makes You Even More Anonymous
This is LA. Partying with someone that was in a Marvel superhero movie isn't exactly a unique experience. Sometimes, it's fun though. Especially when everyone at your table is a notable actor and they are all seemingly unattached- except for when none of them acknowledge your existence. Lets be clear, I'm not a star fucker. Not by occupation, anyway. But when they all congregate in front of you and you might as well be invisible, it sucks. No thank you! I'd rather hang out with the other people (not the Forever 21 hos mentioned above) that at least talk to me to try to get me into bed. Ignoring someone whether you're famous or rude!

3. Girls Lie
Jealy that your bestie told you she made out with Leo post-Bar, pre-Blake? Want to gauge your eyes out because your co-worker said Jared Leto asked for her number? Don't pack up your apartment, take a vow of silence, and move to Bhutan just yet...they are probably LYING. What likely happened is Justin Timberlake accidentally spilled his drink on her when he was drunk, she tried to strike up a conversation, and he muttered how that alcohol was wasted under his breath. For some reason, I've come into contact with a lot of girls lying about their dalliances with celebrity men. What's the point? It's not like we won't see a paparazzi photo of them making out with Olivia Wilde (lets not pretend that she's not fucking all of the guys she claims she's just friends with) in a week. Who are you fooling? Lets stop the lies and focus on things that are important, like dieting.

I hope you will find these helpful. Stay tuned for what I learn at the club this week. Have you learned any lessons from the Gods Of Nightlife?


Friday, September 9, 2011

Do You Ever Feel Like Someone Else Has Stolen Your Life?

I really hate it when people pretend like everything is perfect in their life just for appearances. Lets be honest, NOBODY is happy with everything. And if you are and you are in your twenties you must be some kind of freak of nature. A lucky freak of nature, but one nonetheless. I'd rather be upfront with my friends. My relationships aren't what I want them to be or I thought I'd be in a different place in my life by this age. Then, sometimes I see people who have exactly what I want that are my age- and even more vomit inducing, younger.

Before you say anything, I get it. The way they look to me on the outside might not be how they actually are. At this point, I'll take the facade. I just don't understand how things are happening for these other people and not for myself. I'm the biggest believer that you are the only one who has the power to change your own life. But what happens when the changes you try to make don't work and leave you feeling well, powerless. I don't want to hop on the bitter train, but sometimes it's really hard to make sense of it all. I want to fulfill myself in all of these ways but I keep trying different tactics to make changes and when there aren't any results it feels like I'm banging my head against a wall. What's worse, is having to see other people that are somehow successfully making these changes and excelling. Sometimes I feel like they stole the life I was supposed to have like when Dr. Evil stole Austin Powers's mojo.

How do you keep yourself out of a funk when nothing you're doing is working? Do you guys ever feel this way? Do you have any tips on what to do when it's getting you down?


Monday, September 5, 2011

Is It Ever A Good Idea To Revisit Your Past?

I will admit. Sometimes I suck at boy stuff. I'm really bad at letting things happen naturally and just run their course. Nine times out of ten I try to manipulate a situation to insure the outcome that I want. Fact: this had NEVER worked. Not once. It always ends up blowing up in my face. Yet I still continue to do it. I think I need to take a look at the saying they use in AA. "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." I've never been to AA but they seem to know what they are talking about. I'm also a fan of their serenity prayer and they usually have hot guys standing outside of the Robertson Blvd location (you Angeleanos know what I'm talking about) and it's cheaper than buying copies of The Secret and The Power.

Anyway, sometimes when things don't work out with a new guy I'm talking to I like to go back to the past. Try and see what's going on with guys that I have had something with in the past that didn't work out. Why, I don't know. If it didn't work out then there's no logical reason why it should work now. Sure there's timing. But again if something is meant to be it's meant to be and I shouldn't manipulate it, right?

I (very recently) did this when I realized that the person was no longer attached. I was really nervous as it had been a long time but what could a friendly drink hurt? I had a much better time than I thought and now I'm even more confused.

So, is it a good idea to go back to your past? Does it stop is from moving forward? For me, the jury's still out. What do you think?


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I Want To Be The Fairest Of Them All- A Response To Apocalypstick's Post

I was reading my good friend Apocalystick's blog last night and she had written a new post called Mirror Error. She posted about not being happy about the way she looked and wasn't looking for compliments to pour in, but rather to vent about how she was feeling about herself.

You can read Mirror Error here:

Some of the comments told her (and her readers) how damaging celebrity culture and women in the media are. How that look isn't attainable and how we can't compare ourselves to celebrities. While I agree with the comments that being "you" is a gift and that you should celebrate your uniqueness it got me thinking.

I will admit it. I want the body of a celebrity. I want to be a celebrity. I diet, exercise, and obsess daily about my body. My ideal changes weekly. Sometimes it's Fergie (singer, not the Duchess), Nicole Richie, Jessica Biel, and a variety of others. Yes, it is very difficult to both attain and maintain that type of body- but it is possible and if you want it and are willing to work for it I don't see a problem with that. I want to look the best that I can look. Why should I chalk it up to "oh they're famous"? To me that's saying that they are different than I am, which clearly I don't believe. They may be in a different place in their career at the moment but we are all the same and if they can do it, so can I.

I have one friend who I love very dearly and is the closest thing I will every have to a sibling. But she's always telling me to stop worrying so much about my career when I'm staying up late rehearsing for an audition or writing a new script all night. But it is people that go that extra mile that end up making it, at least in the industry I want to be in. Nobody is forcing me to do this. This is the life and career path that I've chosen and why shouldn't I want to make it to the top? I don't want to meander in the middle somewhere. Yes, I watch what I eat everyday. I turn down a lot of nights out to stay in and work on projects. But I don't think I should be judged for wanting more.

Mediocrity is fine with some people. They want their 9-5PM job and make enough money to be comfortable. I don't judge them for that. So I shouldn't be judged for wanting the best in life. The best body, the best career, the best boyfriend. I don't want to settle for anything.

Sometimes it's OK to want to change things about yourself. And we all have the power to control and change those things. Thanks Apocalypstick! And btw you're super hot!


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

When Does Slutty Become Too Slutty?

Please excuse the lack of a photo. None seemed to fit appropriately.

Sometimes ALL girls want to ho it up. Not necessarily with their actions but with the way they dress. It can be nice to get attention. But lately I've wrestled with the question how slutty is too slutty? I am a fan of the "classy slutty" look. Kind of a Carrie Bradshaw mets Kate Moss sort of thing. My personal signature look usually has to do with denim on the bottom, white t-shirt, black bra, and heels. It doesn't sound that bad, right? But I was debating the length of the jean shorts was wearing the other night. I was comfortable in it but that doesn't necessarily mean it's appropriate to wear in public. To be honest the more appropriate pair almost seemed matronly in length compared to the others. So, what to do? When does slutty become too slutty. And how do you know?

What do you think is too slutty?


*Side Note: When you Google image "slutty" the first pictures that come up are of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, & Miley Cyrus. Interesting....

Monday, August 15, 2011

Things That Every Girl Needs In Her Purse in 2011

A friend of mine used to have a great acronym for everything she needed in her bag when she left the house: MILK

Unfortunately this was invented in the late 90's and she had to make a few additions, so MILK became MCMILK- like Ronald McDonald's partying firecrotch cousin.
Cell Phone (applicable to BlackBerry, IPhone, and all smart phones now)

I always followed this rule when going out and for the most part, I was covered. But as my life and partying progressed, I realized that there were some things that I needed that weren't on the list.

A pen is necessary for a variety of reasons, signing your bar bill receipt, signing your traffic ticket, and the most important, leaving your number behind in the morning. I recently found myself in a predicament without a pen and it was a disaster. After a rendez-vous with a very nice guy I woke up circa 6AM. As I'm a fidgeter - nor do I do awkward mornings I wanted to get the hell out of there. I wanted to be polite and leave my number so I looked in my Lauren Merkin clutch and there was no pen. I scoured his apartment- which was very informative by the way- to find a writing utensil. Finally after 20 minutes, I found a pen near the bar area. The only paper I found was the back of a Target receipt, but in a pinch, anything will do. I courteously left my number behind and I actually received a text soon after slinking out. Manners intact and a new relationship on the horizon, check!

Tide To-Go Stick
I'm a relatively new convert to the portable stain stick movement but I must say that I encourage all of you to join the cause as well. Recently, there was an incident with In-N-Out Burger (it was protein style- so don't judge!) and an Elizabeth & James cocktail dress. I hadn't even notice until I'd gotten out of the car and a friend pointed it out. I was mortified and thought I could cover the bottom of my dress by holding my clutch just so. Not the case. After the field test we realized something had to be done before reaching our final destination. Answer, 24 Hour CVS. Solution, Tide Stick T0-Go. This thing worked wonders and literally took the stain away within minutes. Do NOT freak out that there's a giant wet spot for 5 minutes. It subsides and takes the evidence of in-car gluttony away.

I know money is written above in both MILK and MCMILK but money can pertain to anything. Credit Cards, Checks, Travelers Checks, Starbucks Cards, Gift Cards. It is important that you're always carrying cold hard cash. There are some emergencies and situations in which only cash will suffice and they usually occur after 2AM.

Optional: Camera, (in case you get that rare opportunity to get a picture with Justin Timberlake and that BlackBerry just won't cut it), Pepper Spray, Birth Control

What do you always have in your purse?


Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Lobster And Rose: An Ode To Summer

Every summer I try to make a list of fun things I have to do while the warm months are upon us. Clearly that summer fling with Ryan Gosling isn't happening this year. I always succumb to the marketing geniuses around that time. Every women's magazine features the perfect outfit and accessories for the beach, the outdoor concert festival, a summer BBQ, and your exotic trip to Bali. If everyone at these magazines is doing all of this stuff, shouldn't I be doing it? I mean, I live in LA and how often to I get to Malibu? I start to feel the pressure of summer to have fun and take advantage of all of the opportunities around and it stresses me the fuck out! This summer I had two main goals:

1) See a movie at Hollywood Forever Cemetery- Check! Saw Heathers so fuck me gently with a chainsaw.
2) Water Park- I know they're technically disgusting and full with who knows what kind of germs. But I thought it was be an easy way to re-capture my youth with a AAA discount. This item is still pending.

I don't have the time or money quite frankly to complete all of the picture-esq activities that my heart desires so I made a compromise with myself. I decided to indulge in the two things that are my absolute favorite about summer. Yes. Oprah style. If I could give these to you my readers you would probably be pissed you weren't walking away with a free trip to Australia, but in Wannabe World they suffice. Drum roll please! My two summer must haves are: Lobster and Rose!

There is NO way to go wrong here. Of course my favorite was to eat lobster during the summer is in "roll" form. The buttered split roll is perfection (and in my mind it's also carb-less). Then you have chunks of buttery lobster meat (tail and claw preferred) doused in either butter or mayo adorning the roll. If you haven't already and you live in LA, check out the Lobsta Truck so you can feel like it's summer all year round:

While the lobster roll is my favorite I also enjoy it in burger, salad, and free form. Nothing says summer like those claw-y creatures red delicious meat. Shoot me now PETA. And what alcoholic beverage goes oh-so-well with this sweet and savory seafood???

Rose. You are perfect. You are almost like a blend of red and white wine. Clearly I'm not a wine expert but I know what I like. You are light and airy and crisp all in one sip. And lets get real...I can suck down a glass real fast. Though it tends to have a lower alcohol content it's OK because you can drink more, easily. The chilled wine goes perfectly with the heat and humidity and because it's so drinkable it's perfect for cocktail hour on the porch (aka I sit on the bench alone in front of my building), or with a meal. Preferably containing lobster.

So, don't let the bourgeois marketing companies let you believe that you aren't living up to your full summer potential. Zero in on the few activities you want to do while the weather is warm and then find out what summer means to you. And if you want my opinion, sit back, relax, and enjoy some lobster and rose.

What are your summer must-haves?

Monday, August 8, 2011

Lindsay Lohan's Courtroom Fashion: An Analysis

May 24, 2010Ah, the beginning. Doesn't this seem like so long ago? When Lindsay was only an addict and not a thief. This must be what people mean when referring to the "good ole days". Her outfit is alarmingly appropriate. Her boobs are covered (mostly) and she chose a demure black pantsuit to show her respect for the judge and the legal process.

July 6, 2010
The cockiness begins. Who needs to wear binding tailored clothes to court? This is Lindsay before and orange jumpsuit was her only option for 30 days. This outfit says "I'm cool, I'm calm, I'm collected and I'm going to beat the system motherfuckers!

July 20, 2010
The difference a few days makes. On her return appearance to court a mere two weeks later, Lindsay said fuck you to Saks (hey they prosecuted Winona Ryder- probably best she got out when she did) and hello to generic (what color is that even??? moss mixed w/ charcoal?) t-shirt that Target would be ashamed to acknowledge that they made. This choice was probably made a night after she was pretending to audition for a guest star roll on Breaking Bad and she did too much "research". The outfit sucks- plain and simple. But homegirl knows how to accessorize. See below.

Sept 24, 2010
Nothing like some time in the clink to make you appreciate italian fabrics, cashmere, and tailoring. Our girl LL got it together, somewhat, to channel her version of Marilyn Monroe (even if she isn't wearing her 6126 line as an homage to the star). Hey the last two ensembles of shitty t-shirts didn't help so maybe the pleated knee length skirt would. She may not have ended up back in prison, but she should've been arrested by the fashion police.

Oct 22, 2010
Who even remembers why she was there this time? The court case is just as forgettable as this outfit.

Feb 9, 2011
Dress: Kimberly Ovitz

This is hot. Plain and simple. I don't care if she was going to court. This outfit is perfect ANYWHERE. Church/Temple/Wherever Scientologists gather? Check! Grocery shopping? Check! Dinner and drugs at The Chateau Marmont? Check. I choose to overlook the inappropriateness and hip hugging nature and give into the silhouette for style. A+ Linds! Is that the first time you've ever seen that next to your name?

March 10, 2011

Dress:Raquel Allegra
Shoes: Chanel
Sunglasses: Christian Dior

Once again...flawless. Perhaps not for being berated by the justice system. But if you're going to get in trouble, you might as well look hot doing it.

July 22, 2011
Shoes: Christian Louboutin
Cost: $1200 + mental clarity due to lack of therapy funds

First off, the shoes could be "borrowed" like the necklace she was accused of taking. Second of all, I would much rather buy Louboutins then have to talk about my problems- unless they're giving me the good meds. Well done Lindsay. I'm never one to blame a girl for trying. Might be time for a new weave though.


Everyone is all into those shellack and gel manicures these days but lets be honest- Lindsay kicked off the nail niche. She's an actress and needs to express her true emotions. And sometimes nothing other than "fuck u" will suffice. Loving the pastel color scheme underneath the writing. Wonder if she was able to hide any blow under the fingernail.

What's your favorite outfit Lindsay wore to court? What do you think she should wear for her court appearance in October? Lets all get our paper dolls out.


Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Clearly The TSA Does Not Stand For The Style Afficianado

"I need a female assist with a bulky dress!"

You've got to be kidding me. As I moved into what can only be described as a Plexiglas tube at Miami International Airport security I started to tear up. Never had I had such a lucid Cher Horowtiz moment. Sure I have the buzzed "lets take a lap before we commit to a location" upon entering any club or party but is there a girl that was a pre-teen in the 90's that doesn't say that?

I immediately wanted to shout at him. "Bulky! This dress is vintage." Who do you think you are, Rachel Zoe? Look, I get you're doing your job keeping our skyways safe and all but I really don't think it's necessary to insult my fashion sense. Not what Obama had in mind.

I wanted to pull a freeze frame moment a la Zack Morris. FYI the dress was a colorful vintage maxi halter and it looked a lot better with the boho Splendid cardigan and straw fedora you made me take off and put thru the x-ray machine.

Finally the female TSA agent came over and I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I'm not going to lie- my tone was teetering on a whimper and a whine.

"Do you think my dress is bulky?" Silence. "Your colleague called my dress bulky."
"He did?"
"Yeah. And it's vintage. That was so insulting."
"He didn't mean it like that." I roll my eyes and snicker. "He just meant it was form fitting and we couldn't see if you were concealing anything underneath it." So, first he calls my dress ugly and now I'm fat. I spread my legs which lets be honest was the most action I got on my vacation.
After the pat down she winked at me and told me she would have a talk with him. I guess she rocks the boho chic when the TSA uniform comes off. The skies were friendly once again.

And PS only Uncle Karl can every call my garments bulky. I don't take it twice.

Would YOU have given the TSA agent a piece of your mind?



Wednesday, May 4, 2011

You CAN Be A Fat Size 0

Size matters- for both sexes...and don't let anyone try to cajole you into thinking otherwise. Girls that are on diets are always thought of as superficial but people make fun of girls when they let themselves go a little bit. Case and point- Britney Spears. I was lucky enough to be invited to one of her promotional Femme Fatale performances and fulfilled a bucket list fantasy by being front row! Of course I took pictures (for the pure purpose of flaunting my proximity to Brit Brit on Facebook) and almost every single guy that commented made a snarky remark about her thighs. Homegirl has popped out two kids. Not everyone is "built" like Nicole Richie post-child birth.

These same guys that made those comments are the ones that roll their eyes at me when I order a vodka soda because it's only 40 calories. They tell me to live a little and not be so obsessed. Make up your mind! Do you want me skinny and a little mentally fucked up? Or a little more plump? But be wouldn't want to hit it if I was. We look down on famous women for being too thin but 1) laud them by putting them on the cover of every magazine as a "style icon" and then 2) tear them down when they gain weight. Mixed messages much? So what weight should I strive to be to have the meat on my bones that men supposedly like, but not be fat? Does that even exist? Couldn't there be like this is the absolute perfect weight for you book instead of The Blood Type Diet and going vegan like those women from Skinny Bitch?

I'm a size 0...but it's not enough! Sometimes I have trouble fitting into certain clothes and I still want to have a meltdown in the dressing room. I'm all thin is in but even I think enough is enough. 00 is clearly just a size that was made to make every girl that's gone thru puberty feel insecure. I can't be the only one that spends all day obsessing over food that I won't let myself have.

I'm just succumbing to it. I'm a fat size 0. You can be a fat 0, or 2, or 4 in your mind. Now I'm going to start owning it...and maybe tearing the tags out of my jeans every once in a while. I'm still human.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Is It Wrong That I Wasn't Attracted To A Guy Until He Offered Me Drugs?

Another dating rant...getting bored yet? Let me set the scene. It was a Saturday night. I got off work and was driving home. I was getting excited about my pay-per-view (because Time Warner had kindly sent me a coupon for a .99 cent movie) and a late night snack until I looked at the clock. 11:24PM. 11:24PM! 11 fucking 24 PM! I couldn't stop repeating the time.

How did this happen??? I used to be cool. I used to be a "party girl" and know where all of the action was all the time. I used to have people asking ME what to do on a Saturday night. And now I'm getting ready to settle in at 11:24PM. No fucking way. I called up a friend who said I should meet her at The Dime. The Dime was one of my regular haunts in my hay day. Nine times out of ten if you went out any night of the week I'd be there. But I hadn't been there in at least 2 years. It wasn't the happening spot anymore but I figured it was better than being at 11:24PM on Saturday.

She went to meet a guy she had on and off feelings for and I went to not die of self-loathing. One of the guy's friends had just moved to LA that week and was cute but I kinda lost interest when I found out he was from Cult-ville, Texas. Can you get more white bread and generic? He was cute but when I tried to make conversation we had nothing in common. At times I kinda wished I had gone home and finally watched Country Strong. But I stuck it out. He was flirting and lets be honest...I could use the practice.

I started telling him how I was tired and used to be cool and was part of the in crowd. He jokingly suggested that I try a little blow to keep myself awake. To which my reply was "honey...been there, done that, have the t-shirt. Except I was definitely more fun when I partook in extra-curricular activities." He then proceeded to offer me cocaine. I was shocked. I thought he had just mentioned it because he'd seen "Bright Lights, Big City" and "Less Than Zero" and thought that that's what people in LA did. I didn't think he was holding.

And that's when I became attracted to him. I politely declined and told him those were days of yesteryear for me but I couldn't help how much my interest in him had peaked. Maybe he wasn't as corn fed as I thought. After that when he asked for my number I gave it to him willingly. We shall see what happens...

Have you ever thought a guy was more attractive once you found out he had an edge? I like mine razor sharp.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

An Open Letter (that should be from) Lady GaGa

Dear Little Monsters (and everyone else out there that tries to emulate me),
I would like to put an end to this fashion madness. I know that I am able to pull off outlandish fashion that sometimes honestly isn't fashion as an amalgamation of ideas from my brain that hap pend to end up on my body, but most of you can't. When you wear a leotard in public and you're not a size 0 or 2 that is not OK. When you wear clothes that don't match for attention, that's not OK. When you wear your hair tied in a bow on top of your head, not OK. Please stop.


Lady GaGa is a pop star. Emphasis on the word star. She has worked hard and made her mark. She is an innovator. When Sally Doe from Northridge wears a GaGa-esq outfit out on a Saturday night she looks retarded (and don't get on me for being slanderous to the mentally challenged. No other word fits, OK?). Lady GaGa has earned the right to dress like that. She is an innovator. Sally works at Hamburger Hamlet.

Sally is what I like to call part of the GPop. GPop = General Population. You can find them at the movies, Target in the suburbs, and at clubs on a Saturday night. Everyone knows that all of the cool kids go out during the week, right?

Wearing an outfit that is reminiscent of Lady GaGa just makes you look stupid. Please just stick to The Gap. I hope that I have reached some of you and that you now realize your place. Lets leave the fashion and music to GaGa so you can Just Dance.


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

How Jordan Catalano, Troy Dyer, Mr. Big, and Hank Moody Ruined My Life

Thanks a lot Hollywood. You've successfully brainwashed me and the other ladies of my generation. You really fucked us this time. You've made us fall in love with these selfish, slacker, self-involved, flawed bad boys who we think have potential and can change. Well, they can't and won't. They aren't beautifully broken, they are just assholes.

"Why are you like this? "
"Like what?"
"Like how you are." Jordan Catalano & Angela Chase- My So Called Life

What the fuck does that even mean? Why are you like this? Like how you are? What else can I expect though from a television character that can't read. I feel like now I'm programmed to go for these somewhat lovable losers that make us think that they will someday blossom into good men who don't hurt us and like us even when it isn't convenient for them.

Pop quiz hot shot...what would Jordan Catalano be doing now 17 years later if the show had gone on for more than one glorious season. Well he'd probably be fat, just mastering Dr. Seuss, and cheating on you with the local bar maid (who's fat by the way) while you're at home tucking your kids into bed. You would be the main breadwinner while he locked himself in the garage working on his car, Red, every Saturday afternoon.

Troy Dyer... you think you're any better? You totally shat all over Lelaina until the last ten minutes of the movie and something tells me you continued to do it.

Mr. Big...first off YOU MARRIED SOMEONE ELSE. Excuse me, first you jerk Carrie around
for two years and then marry that waspy waif. As if she doesn't have enough troubles you pop into her life just when she's happy but she always takes you back. Gee, I wonder why me and all of my friends forgive any attractive man w/ puppy dog eyes...

Last but not least Hank Moody. Ok, you're hot. No, you're sexy. But you're the eternal fuck up. We all keep hoping that one day you will get the point but you never do. And somehow that makes you even sexier and more lovable (and you keep profiting dollars).

Well, thank you to the world of entertainment. Because of these leading male characters that you've poisoned my brain with, now I have to pay a doctor $175 an hour to listen to why I choose the wrong men that can charm you and melt my heart but are never right for me. You owe me a refund. And a good boyfriend for once.

That's all.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

There HAS To Be A Balance...

Alright ladies...throw your hands up if you've ever dated someone who's recreational love affair with certain substances has gone beyond recreation. Most of us female Angeleanos have done this one, twice, or five times. We laugh, we cry, we visit them at Betty Ford but inevitably, we know that the relationship won't work.

It's really hard to find a drug-free guy in Los Angeles. Booger Sugar is more popular than In-N-Out. What I didn't expect when looking for a guy with a clean nose was what I would find on the opposite side of the spectrum. Who knew there were so many guys that DON'T DRINK?!?!

Listen, if you have a problem, that's one thing. But I don't trust people that just don't drink. What is the point in that? First of all, a lot of alcoholic beverages are very tasty. Second, buzzed isn't drunk. Who doesn't love that fresh feeling of immortality somewhere around the first half of that second cocktail. Third, alcohol has lead me to a lot of decisions that have provided me with fodder for the rest of my life and will help prove to my grandchildren that I was once a hip chick.

Where is the balance? It seems like my only choices are a guy with a Hoover for a nose, or a Mormon. Where's the guy that drinks two scotches at The Chateau and books a room off the buzz? Where's the guy who has a few beers and gets a little too rowdy? Are you out there? If so, you know where to find me.

Monday, March 28, 2011

It's Kind Of Insulting When Celebrities Don't Try To Sleep With You

I'm not here to put anyone on blast, but I must get this off my chest. When you are at a certain places in Los Angeles you will see celebrities, that's a given. Been there, done that, blown that line of coke. But there are always those select few that will still give you butterflies in your stomach. I saw one of them this past weekend and he's known to be a bit of a man-whore. Now while this is probably a turn off for normal girls, this gets me wet. I mean, I have to exert enough effort in every other part of my life. If I can meet celebrity X and he wants to go in the bathroom of the restaurant, there's an easy check off my bucket list.

Now here's the thing. Celebrity X totally eyefucked the shit out of me about 9 months ago. So he obviously wants to hit this. Now, I run into his this weekend and nada, zip, zilch. He's a man-whore and didn't attempt to have sex with me? What is wrong with him? He will sleep with ugly, anybodys and didn't try to sleep with me? I'm officially insulted. Talk about a blow (no pun intended) to my self-esteem. I'm not eating for the next few weeks.

Some women might think this is respectful and wouldn't want a ride on the town bicycle. But this is LA baby I'm ready to straddle that seat. And if I do run into him again I might just have to step up my game a little bit.

Has this ever happened to you?

Addendum To LA Party Games

Weave or real hair? It's pretty self-explanatory, but fun!

Friday, March 25, 2011

LA Party Games

Move over Hasboro because Trivial Pursuit ain't got nothing on me. After being a resident of Los Angeles for a few years sometimes you start to lose interest in the party scene. Ok, who am I to knock on open bar, tray passed hors d'oeuvres and gift bags? But sometimes it's like you've been to one party you've been to them all. As it is part of my job to attend functions like this on a regular basis I've had to develop my own entertainment (you literally see the same people, doing the same thing in a different venue, promoting a different magazine/beauty product/brand). I'd like to invite you to try these games. I've taken a long time perfecting them and the beauty is they can be done anywhere. Literally in any city, in any venue- although you'll probably have the most fun with them in LA. Now, ladies and gentlemen....drumroll please...I present to you: Is She Thinner Than Me? And, The Cocaine Game.

Is She Thinner Than Me
*Note you need at least two people to players so you can confirm your friend's conclusions or reject them.

1. Try to find celebrities if you're in LA but if you're in another city you can just choose girls who seem to be getting a lot of attention or have a hot boyfriend.

2. Judge every aspect of the girls body. Legs, arms, back fat, stomach. Be particularly critical of each area that you are inspecting.

3. Determine your conclusion and have your friend(s) confirm or reject your conclusion

If you are thinner than the other girls 9 times out of 10 congratulations! You probably have at least a mild form of an eating disorder but at least you are rocking the 90's Heroine Chic Waif Look. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, right?

If you aren't thinner than 9 out of 10 girls you should probably try a diet and stay away from carbs.

The Cocaine Game
*Note this game requires at least two players

1. You and a friend go into separate bathrooms
talls of any location you are in. If you are in LA, The Chateau Marmont or any club is preferable.

2. Lock the door.

3. Run your hand along the top of the toilet tank.

4. See how much cocaine you pick up.

5. Exit the stall and compare how much cocaine each of you have picked up.

6. The person that has the most cocaine on their fingers wins.

Whoever had the most cocaine wins the cocaine the other person picked up. Either dispose of it or give your nose a small treat.


Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Are My Boobs Starting To Sag?

*Note these are not my breasts. Though they are lovely and I give great thanks for their use here. Gracias amateur lingerie model.

I was touching my breasts today as I usually do. Not like full cuppage but I tend to make sure that things are firm. When they start to feel fuller I know that I need to put down the fork and hit the elliptical. I hate scales so I prefer to use my breasts as a measure for weight loss and gain.

PS Does anyone do those self-breast examinations? I know that I should especially with the history of breast cancer in my family but it seems weird to caress myself in a circular motion. I mean isn't that what doctors are for? If I have a $30 co-pay regardless I may as well get to second base with my hot gyno.

Anyway I started to have a horrific thought today...are my boobs starting to sag? Listen, I'm NOT old. But I'm not 19 anymore. I don't know if it's even possible since I have had a little work done in that area. I will go on the record to say I do NOT have implants but will keep the particulars about my cosmetic caper to myself.

Perhaps I'm just getting insecure about getting older and being single and the fact that I'm the only one that touches and sees my breasts on a daily/weekly/ or monthly basis. Maybe my mind is starting to sag but that's been going on for awhile.

If you get nothing else out of this, I hope you have learned that you can legally pay for sexual favors.