Wednesday, April 6, 2011

How Jordan Catalano, Troy Dyer, Mr. Big, and Hank Moody Ruined My Life

Thanks a lot Hollywood. You've successfully brainwashed me and the other ladies of my generation. You really fucked us this time. You've made us fall in love with these selfish, slacker, self-involved, flawed bad boys who we think have potential and can change. Well, they can't and won't. They aren't beautifully broken, they are just assholes.

"Why are you like this? "
"Like what?"
"Like how you are." Jordan Catalano & Angela Chase- My So Called Life

What the fuck does that even mean? Why are you like this? Like how you are? What else can I expect though from a television character that can't read. I feel like now I'm programmed to go for these somewhat lovable losers that make us think that they will someday blossom into good men who don't hurt us and like us even when it isn't convenient for them.

Pop quiz hot shot...what would Jordan Catalano be doing now 17 years later if the show had gone on for more than one glorious season. Well he'd probably be fat, just mastering Dr. Seuss, and cheating on you with the local bar maid (who's fat by the way) while you're at home tucking your kids into bed. You would be the main breadwinner while he locked himself in the garage working on his car, Red, every Saturday afternoon.

Troy Dyer... you think you're any better? You totally shat all over Lelaina until the last ten minutes of the movie and something tells me you continued to do it.

Mr. Big...first off YOU MARRIED SOMEONE ELSE. Excuse me, first you jerk Carrie around
for two years and then marry that waspy waif. As if she doesn't have enough troubles you pop into her life just when she's happy but she always takes you back. Gee, I wonder why me and all of my friends forgive any attractive man w/ puppy dog eyes...

Last but not least Hank Moody. Ok, you're hot. No, you're sexy. But you're the eternal fuck up. We all keep hoping that one day you will get the point but you never do. And somehow that makes you even sexier and more lovable (and you keep profiting dollars).

Well, thank you to the world of entertainment. Because of these leading male characters that you've poisoned my brain with, now I have to pay a doctor $175 an hour to listen to why I choose the wrong men that can charm you and melt my heart but are never right for me. You owe me a refund. And a good boyfriend for once.

That's all.

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