Thursday, November 4, 2010

Oh Lord Won't You Buy Me A Mercedes-Benz...Or Just Bring Me a Guy That Drives A Beamer

My name is Wannabe and I get wet for guys who drive Beamers. Graphic, I know. But I'm powerless. I need help. For some reason the last 3 guys I've dated (or slept with) have driven BMWs. Sure they're sexy, sleek, and expensive, but there must be more to it. So a few posts bad I said that you didn't need a Beamer, Benz, or Bentley...I lied. There's just something exciting about that European steel. But in a very rare Sex And The City moment, I couldn't help but wonder if there was something about the psychology of the men that buy BMWs.

Admittedly, I usually choose the wrong men. They are usually wealthy, entitled, and reckless. But I think I just need to come to terms with the fact that this is who I am. Every girl I know seems to give out man advice but they are either single or in relationships that I wouldn't want to be in. "You need to be with someone calm that balances you out", "You need to be with someone who doesn't do drugs", "You need to be able to be the one to shine in the relationship".

Well, FUCK THAT. Sorry I like industry types and they just happen to drive BMWs. That's all.


Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Yeah, I Cried in Target...So What????

My name is...well you don't know that nor do I want you to. But, I cried in Target yesterday. I know, at first it sounds pathetic. Don't pretend you haven't done the same thing (or something very similar). No, I wasn't crying at the adorable new Calypso St. Barth for Target clothing collection. I had a full on legitimate meltdown in the book aisle. I went into what Oprah refers to as "the ugly cry".

For those of you that have been following me, you might think I'm cray cray. But I'd like to assure you that in real life I'm actually a fairly stable, responsible woman. I make remarks in jest about men and recreational activities but underneath it all I'm very passionate about life- in particular my work.

Lets back up so I can set the scene about how the Mariah TRL/Britney Shaving Her Head moment went down for me. It's a regular Tuesday afternoon and I realize that I've run out of dish soap. Having seen it on sale in the Target circular I decided that I would procure it there. Innocuous enough, right? Wrong! How many times do YOU go into Target for one thing and leave with next week's paycheck worth of stuff. I'm a marketer's dream and am attracted to all of the bright, shiny signs (particularly the ones that say "sale"). I happened to meander over to the book section to look at Real Housewives of New Jersey's Teresa Guidice's "Skinny Italian" book because I needed to get some new ideas for a dinner party I'm throwing. Low and behold there's a book on the shelf that has a title similar to one that I've been working on for two years. I l-o-s-t my shit. I started breaking down with a cart full of Glade candles and greeting cards right there. I was inconsolable. I finally had to retreat to the dressing room to collect myself and wipe the tears away. I was finally about to go back to the book section and actually look at the book. Turns out, it has absolutely nothing to do with mine. Relief!

I called a friend to tell them this story thinking it would be a funny anecdote we could tell at cocktail parties and her response was "why do you care so much?" I started to think about it. Do I care too much or do other people not care enough? All I want in life is to fulfill my passion and be creative. Why is it wrong to take that so seriously? Isn't it the people that sacrifice and that have tunnel vision the ones that succeed? Why should I be so blase about my future?

Here it goes. I'm not normal. I don't want to be normal. I don't want a job that will get me by in life. I want the roller coaster. And here my "friend" is basically telling me that I'm making myself crazy and it isn't worth it. Well, I totally Varsity Blues-ed her ass and told her "I don't want your life" (not nearly as passionately as James Van Der Beek had done it but I gave it my best shot). I would gladly cry at Target, Best Buy, or Whole Foods and feel that disappointment and go for my dreams instead of living a life of mediocrity.

Do YOU chase your dreams everyday? If not you should...and don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. Suck that The Secret (which is available at Target by the way).

Monday, November 1, 2010

What would you rather be doing than having sex?

Lets talk about sex baby.

The fact being that I have mostly single girlfriends and we all tend to drink to the point of excess, sometimes the cocktail conversations get a bit racy. Details of past trysts, potential future fornications, and fantasies are usually about two vodka sodas into the conversation (i mean hello we don't have food in our stomachs).

What would you rather be doing than having sex? Popular answers included a foot massage, sitting on a beach with a cocktail, shopping, and almost anything else. My answer- NOTHING. People offered up tons of options testing if my answer was real. Nope, nada, zilch. I don't board a plane, train, automobile (or boat) that's not for a nationally recognized holiday unless I know I'm getting railed. Sad but true. Maybe I'm so devoid of emotion and true intimacy so the only way I can connect is thru animalistic fucking. I'll leave that to the many professionals at my disposal. But my answer still remains the same.

So....what would YOU rather be doing than having sex?


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

It's Britney bitch

"If you like it than you shoulda put a ring on it"- Beyonce

"I wanna take a ride on your disco stick" - Lady GaGa

"Hey baby whether it's now or later, you can't shake me, cuz I got you on my radar"- Britney Spears

"You make me wanna die. I'll never be good enough..."- The Pretty Reckless

Pop stars seem to be the only ones these days that can express their feelings. If I said any of the above I can assure you that I would have a restraining order, be placed under a 5150, and at the very least be de-friended on Facebook. In Los Angeles we have to fein interest and pretend like we we don't care when we don't get the morning after text. Sometimes I just want to ask what's doing on. Are we friends? Friend with benefits? Dating? Something more? Are you interested? I almost don't care but please just let me know where we are at so I can manage my feelings and expectations appropriately.

News flash boys (more often than not they are boys...not men)...we have feelings and we think all of these things. These songs are written for a reason. We aren't necessarily trying to get "wifed up" but we're allowed to have emotions. And it's fun to be silly and girly and go off into that fantasy world. And it's not always about YOU. A lot of times it's about the idea of you. So don't go running for The Hills and lock yourself away in your Laurel Canyon bungalow. And if it bad is it that someone actually cares about you??? Seriously.

Thanks for the indulgence...just had to get that off my 34C chest. Until next time...


Thursday, September 30, 2010

Baby You Can Drive My Car...If I had one

In Los Angeles and lets be honest, the rest of the free world, the symbol of two "C"s represent Chanel. Like honestly who doesn't know this? Unless you've been embedded with the Taliban or a sect of sister wives it's pretty obvious. --Sidebar--There is an obscene lack of good men in Los Angeles. For work I spend most of my time in nightclubs and even if I were to meet a guy there I could never date him. The types of guys that go to clubs on a consistent basis might as well have an Ed Hardy logo tattooed...well...anywhere. And guys STOP it with the applique shirts. It's just as douchy as Ed Hardy. You're not fooling anyone because it's a button down. Awhile ago a friend of mine and I were going to open a local chain of men's shirt stores called Absolutely Applique. Locations were to include West Hollywood and Hermosa Beach. Due to our financial status it never came to fruition but I still believe we would've made millions. To all of those in business school now I bequeath our business model to you. Douchy guys + trying to buy clothes they think will get them laid = Absolutely Applique. I mean come on, even The Situation doesn't rock that garbage.

Back to my point. It's really hard to find a decent guy in LA. I know most people say that women are too picky but I honestly do not think that is my problem. Here are my qualifications for going on a date with you:

1) Have a bank account
2) Have a LEGAL job
3) Do not be a drug addict (this can be amended if we are just having casual sex and they aren't intravenous drugs)
4)Have a 4 wheel vehicle. Scooters do not count. Segue's do not count. And no, four wheelers do not count. I'm not asking for a Beemer, Benz, or Bentley. Just a car.

I'm sure you're thinking to yourself, "hey wannabe stop scraping the bottom of the barrel." Well, that's what's out there. The reason these are all non-negotiable qualities is because they are all issues I've encountered with men that I've dated at one point or another. The car thing really bugs me though. This guy has been pursuing me hardcore especially as of late. Text messages all of the time etc. Being the lady that I am I'm playing hard to get. Well one day he happens to mention how he has such a busy day and has to get from point A to point B and he doesn't have a car. Normally this wouldn't have even registered...but something stopped me. I thought "hey, I better clarify this." Here is a dramatization of how our conversation went down in the restaurant. He is a waiter at an establishment I frequent.

Him: Tomorrow I gotta wake up at seven. First I have to go to the gym and then it's college football tomorrow baby!

Wannabe: (uninterested) Fun.

Him: Yeah...Daddy likes to day drink.

awkward pause

Him: Then I gotta pool party.

Wannabe: Busy day.

Him: Yeah, it's gonna be hard because I don't have a car.


Wannabe: Like, is your car in the shop? Or do you just not have one?

Him: Don't got one. Pssssh. Haven't had one ever since I lived in LA.

At this point i felt like I just took a handful of klonopin and couldn't speak. I'd also like to add that this person is in his 30's and makes more money at this restaurant (lots of big tippers) than I make.

Oh and he's in a band. And the initials are two "C"s. When I cutely commented "oh like Chanel" he looked at me confused. THIS is WHAT IS OUT THERE. No thank you! Check please! I'd rather be alone and watch the pseudo rape scene in Unfaithful w/ Diane Lane and Olivier Martinez on repeat for the next two years. He's off the list.

Didn't anybody ever tell you, nobody walks in LA? Till next time...


Friday, January 15, 2010

I'm So Not Carrie Bradshaw

While I fancy myself somewhat of a Fashionista (and yes that was meant to be capitalized) and I do love me a cocktail, I don't think I could be further from this idealistic fantasy of a young woman that knows how to handle her relationships and emotions. Typically a blog like this would start out with "I couldn't help but wonder," or "Spotted," but not this time. This is The Diary of Another Twenty-Something Pill Popping Los Angeles Wannabe.

Being the shocking Los Angeles combination of an actress and writer, navigating my way thru life at times as felt pretty futile. In the land where prescription pads reign supreme I've found it pretty easy to numb myself- especially after a break up. "It's not you, it's me."
"I need to live on the edge."
"What you're asking for is reasonable I just can't give it to you."
After hearing all of those a few dozen times it's easy to get discouraged. My preferred method for coping with breakups are full days spent without 1) getting out of bed 2) performing any sort of hygenic routine and 3) eating 2 Carr's Water Crackers (gotta look good if you're gonna be back out there on the market).

But all kidding aside, something like the earthquake in Haiti happens or something tragic and out of the blue happens to a friend of a friend and we are all left with horrible reminders of how short life is and how it is unfortunately it can be cut even shorter in an instant. It's times like these when I feel like all of that depression and claiming that I'm "wearing a frown" when a girlfriend asks what I'm wearing to dinner seems so utterly pointless. Wallowing in our bubbles is really only cheating ourselves out of good times we could possibly have and new friends we could possibly meet.

Because I say NO to plagarism I will leave you all with a speech from a little show called Ugly Betty. Yeah I know it's been pretty silly this season but I must give credit where credit is due...and at least I'm not taking life advice from One Tree Hill anymore. At least now that Lucas and Peyton are off the show....(sorry but B.Davis just isn't doing it for me). So here's to Betty and reminding us that life is meant to be lived and how we can't let heartbreak or fear keep us from challenging ourselves and getting back on the horse.

" I've had to say good-bye more times than I may have liked, but everyone can say that. And no matter how many times we have to do it - even if it's for the greater good, it still stings. And although we will never forget what we've given up, we owe it to ourselves to keep moving forward. What we can't do is live our lives afraid of the next good-bye because chances are they are not going to stop. The trick is to recognize when a good-bye can be a good thing - when it's a chance to start over."