Thursday, September 30, 2010

Baby You Can Drive My Car...If I had one

In Los Angeles and lets be honest, the rest of the free world, the symbol of two "C"s represent Chanel. Like honestly who doesn't know this? Unless you've been embedded with the Taliban or a sect of sister wives it's pretty obvious. --Sidebar--There is an obscene lack of good men in Los Angeles. For work I spend most of my time in nightclubs and even if I were to meet a guy there I could never date him. The types of guys that go to clubs on a consistent basis might as well have an Ed Hardy logo tattooed...well...anywhere. And guys STOP it with the applique shirts. It's just as douchy as Ed Hardy. You're not fooling anyone because it's a button down. Awhile ago a friend of mine and I were going to open a local chain of men's shirt stores called Absolutely Applique. Locations were to include West Hollywood and Hermosa Beach. Due to our financial status it never came to fruition but I still believe we would've made millions. To all of those in business school now I bequeath our business model to you. Douchy guys + trying to buy clothes they think will get them laid = Absolutely Applique. I mean come on, even The Situation doesn't rock that garbage.

Back to my point. It's really hard to find a decent guy in LA. I know most people say that women are too picky but I honestly do not think that is my problem. Here are my qualifications for going on a date with you:

1) Have a bank account
2) Have a LEGAL job
3) Do not be a drug addict (this can be amended if we are just having casual sex and they aren't intravenous drugs)
4)Have a 4 wheel vehicle. Scooters do not count. Segue's do not count. And no, four wheelers do not count. I'm not asking for a Beemer, Benz, or Bentley. Just a car.

I'm sure you're thinking to yourself, "hey wannabe stop scraping the bottom of the barrel." Well, that's what's out there. The reason these are all non-negotiable qualities is because they are all issues I've encountered with men that I've dated at one point or another. The car thing really bugs me though. This guy has been pursuing me hardcore especially as of late. Text messages all of the time etc. Being the lady that I am I'm playing hard to get. Well one day he happens to mention how he has such a busy day and has to get from point A to point B and he doesn't have a car. Normally this wouldn't have even registered...but something stopped me. I thought "hey, I better clarify this." Here is a dramatization of how our conversation went down in the restaurant. He is a waiter at an establishment I frequent.

Him: Tomorrow I gotta wake up at seven. First I have to go to the gym and then it's college football tomorrow baby!

Wannabe: (uninterested) Fun.

Him: Yeah...Daddy likes to day drink.

awkward pause

Him: Then I gotta pool party.

Wannabe: Busy day.

Him: Yeah, it's gonna be hard because I don't have a car.


Wannabe: Like, is your car in the shop? Or do you just not have one?

Him: Don't got one. Pssssh. Haven't had one ever since I lived in LA.

At this point i felt like I just took a handful of klonopin and couldn't speak. I'd also like to add that this person is in his 30's and makes more money at this restaurant (lots of big tippers) than I make.

Oh and he's in a band. And the initials are two "C"s. When I cutely commented "oh like Chanel" he looked at me confused. THIS is WHAT IS OUT THERE. No thank you! Check please! I'd rather be alone and watch the pseudo rape scene in Unfaithful w/ Diane Lane and Olivier Martinez on repeat for the next two years. He's off the list.

Didn't anybody ever tell you, nobody walks in LA? Till next time...


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