Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Don't Call Me A Party Girl

The term "party girl" is basically the new socially acceptable way to say drunken slut. It sounds casual and colloquial, but make no mistake, this is now a derogatory character description. But what exactly is a party girl? Is a party girl someone that goes out with their friends? Is a party girl the girl that becomes the sloppy mess falling the the club? Is a party girl the girl that goes out to look for a hook up? Or can the party girl just be a girl who doesn't want to sit at home on the weekends? Listen, all of the above can describe any girl. Some girls are just better about keeping their activities surreptitious. A guy is basically asking to figure out whether or not he will be able to fuck you the same night that he meets you. But just because you go out doesn't mean that you are a "party girl" in the inebriated whore way. I hate it when people ask me "are you a party girl?" Do you mean I like to be social? Or do you mean that if you buy me two drinks I will come out of my dress faster than cocaine goes up Lindsay Lohan's nose? Just because I go to a club doesn't mean I'm going to give you a lap dance to the new Rihanna song or pour shots in my mouth straight from the bottle. Based on this new social stigma my options are apparently 1) sitting at home watching a Pretty Little Liars marathon On Demand with a pint of Ben&Jerry's (which let me tell you, some nights sounds like a fabulous option), or 2) going out to enjoy myself with my friends and basically being branded with a Scarlett A. I'm onto you. This "party girl" stigma is NO compliment. Sticks and stones my break bones but words and assumptions are much more deadly. Don't lump us all in as party girls because we enjoy a drink and an evening away from our couch. That is all.


Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Lindsay Lohan Courtroom Fashion: An Analysis Part 2

Lets start from top to bottom, because I have too much to say and I want to keep my thoughts organized.

I'd like to perform my own community service and alert all of my readers that for ten years now, Goody, and various other hair accessory companies have been making clear, yes, clear, hair ties! I know, the things they can accomplish with technology these days. Stop wearing a black hair tie when you have blonde hair (or weave). It looks tickity tacky. Also, you've done a lot of blow in your day, and now it's time for a blow out. It would be great if you could run some shampoo and conditioner through those extensions before they get even more matted together.

Make Up
I'm not going to say that I hate the make up. Ok, who are we kidding? Of course I will. But it isn't appropriate for the daytime. No one needs to wear that much blush unless you're performing on Dancing With The Stars. And cool it with the Dior Show. We all like mascara but there's a fine line, honey.

The Scarf
I will never understand wearing sleeveless clothing and then a scarf around your neck. If anything, you lose warmth from your head first, so she could've benefitted from a fedora or a J-Lo/Kardashian style floppy hat. The only reason to wear a scarf when wearing a sleeveless dress is to cover up hickeys or vampire bites- and I think Rob Pattinson has kept a very safe distance from Ms. Lohan at all times. Yes, it's foggy and 61 degrees F in LA right now but you could've worn a dress with sleeves if you were concerned about the temperature. Not only is the scarf not necessary, but it's the same color as the dress. Couldn't we have gotten a blush pink or baby blue. She clearly doesn't have the money to go tanning anymore so we need to do something about that pasty skin tone. Or ask your Sevyn Nine line to send you some tan in a can. Because you probably aren't allowed inside a Sephora.

The Earrings
These (what appear to be) floral shaped studs are ok. I'm assuming they probably came from XIV Karats or they were a "gift" as she isn't allowed anywhere near the store in Venice she stole from. On second thought, probably good she was wearing the scarf so she wasn't wearing anymore potential evidence for the court.

The Bag
I like this bag. It's Chanel. What's not to like? And you can never go wrong with metallics- especially gold. And nothing says I'm a law abiding citizen like a sick slouchy purse. And she will probably have gold teeth soon from her next visit to the slammer, so she will be color coordinated.

Fuck winter white. I mean, who does she think she's fooling with this dress. Yes, it's more court appropriate and a bit more demure...but you aren't exactly Doris fucking Day, Lindsay. Everyone sees right through you (and for your sake I hope you're wearing a bra and thong this time). The "good girl" Fendi white angelic dress isn't going to change anyone's mind. Hopefully you're focusing more on Fendi than felonies these days. A for effort, though.

The black bracelet is hideous. BUT, it does match her rotting teeth. Perhaps our girl LL didn't want to be berated again for wearing something too nice since the Louboutin episode at her last appearance. As Carla Gugino aka Cheeka Barnfeld stated in Troop Beverly Hills "Too many accessories clutter an outfit." Ditch the bracelet and stop being an accessory to crime!

I adore these Giuseppe Zanotti peep-toe shoes. Again, I'm a huge fan of metallics anytime, any place. And it's hard to go wrong with a platform and stiletto heel. These can also be used as a weapon in an escape attempt or could be traded for a pack of Parliment Lights inside. And kudos for matching them with the bag. Too bad these belong on the red carpet instead of being caught red handed for being kicked out of your probation program.

Lindz added a last minute accessory of handcuffs at the end of her hearing. Tisk, tisk. The only place the cuffs are a chic accessory is in the bedroom. Faux pas!

Overall, I'm not a huge fan of this look. Lindsay Lohan needs to stick to what she does best...leggings and plaid button down shirts. The, I just fucked a guy for a rock of meth look is really your bread and butter. Let Leighton Meester do the Upper East Side look. It doesn't work for you.

Her hearing is set for Nov 2nd. I can't wait to see what she turns up in then. And lets keep our fingers crossed that it spans multiple days so we can get even more Lindsay Lohan courtroom fashion.

Did you like today's ensemble? Was it more Elle magazine or Elle Woods?

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Courtroom Fashion: The Amanda Knox Edition

From Foxy Knoxy to Very Sloppy to Celebrity Copy

Here's Amanda Knox before she went on her semester abroad in Italy in 2007. While this outfit is beyond questionable, lets keep in mind that she is a twenty-year-old from Seattle, WA. To me, this screams "I shop at Hot Topic and love my ironic Care Bears t-shirt." I don't know how she was dubbed "Foxy Knoxy" looking at this ensemble, but she could have had a banging bod underneath.
Uh, oh...Amanda's in trouble. Girl loves her green, huh? The coat is hideous but even worse are the police escort accessories. Bad girls are hot, but accused murderers are another story. Perhaps she was trying to debunk the "Foxy Knoxy" promiscuity rumors because, girl, there's nothing hot about a plastic bag. You're in Italy! There's got to be a Prada outlet somewhere near Perugia, right??
When I first saw this picture, my first thought was is this a skirt or shorts. That is never a good sign. Amanda, get your act together. Can you request a copy of Vogue with your visitor's rights? I get that you need to be modest, but again, you're in ITALY for christ's sake. The fashion capital of the world...AND your photos in court are serviced all over the world and on the internet. Step it up.
This isn't my favorite, but it's an improvement. Very J.Crew looking. How jealy do you think she is that the officer holding her has a red mani? I bet your cuticles get super narsty in the clink.
Finally! Something camera-worthy! Loving the shirt, girl! And you've been studying those Italian models. Your pout looks fierce. Remember girl, smize!
I'm going to cut Amanda some slack. I'm sure there's no deep conditioning treatment in jail. And blow dryers are probably a no-no as well. Sometimes you have to cut it all off to start over again. I wouldn't re-visit this haircut if I were her, but since it was probably necessary, I'm gonna say she has a Demi Moore/Ghost thing going on.
Well, looky here! That blush pink really compliments her skin tone and I'm loving the neckline. NOW I see a glimpse of Foxy Knoxy.
Freedom is the hottest ensemble and here's Amanda begging for hers. I'm assuming she wanted the court to focus on her words and not her appearance. Bravo for knowing when less is more.
Hey girl hey! Is that Nicole Richie? Overdsized sweater, leggings, flat boots! Now, a free woman, Amanda is looking like a star. It will only be a matter of time before Rachel Zoe comes calling. This is a paparazzi ready outfit. Kudos.
While the outfit is fab, I have to call out the scrunchie. I know she was away for four years, but she is aware this isn't 1992. The white scrunchie looks like a messed up version of a hair wrap (remember those???). Because you had a long journey home from Italy, I will let it slide. But consider this your warning from the fashion police.

Amanda's ordeal in Italy was terrible, but at least spending some time in one of the fashion capitals of the world gave her some sick style. I think we have a future fashionista in the making. Congratulations on your freedom Amanda. Time to head to the mall!


Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Diet Like A Star

Want to look like a star? Go from this (photo of Lindsay Lohan where she looked healthy, hot, and thin) to this (photo of Lindsay Lohan with her puffy face and under eye bags) in just a matter of weeks. Try the celebrity tested Chateau Marmont diet. This simple diet plan consists of 3 packs of Parliment Lights each day to be smoked at breakfast, lunch, dinner, and all hours in between, vodka cocktails, and of course the Chateau's famous Spaghetti Bolgenese. Can't get a res at The Chateau? No problem. Here's our make it at home version of the cocktail and Blogenese. For faster results, omit the Blogenese all together. For fitness, throw cocktails in your ex-lover's face as often as possible and arrive at nightclubs you've been banned from so you will have to walk away for some extra cardio.

Vodka Cocktail

2 oz vodka

3 oz soda water

1 Klonopin crushed (optional)



2 ounces dried porcini mushrooms, wiped of grit

1/4 pound pancetta or slab bacon, finely chopped

1 medium onion, finely chopped

2 celery stalks, finely chopped

2 carrots, finely chopped

5 garlic cloves, minced

2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil, plus more for drizzling

2 bay leaves

2 sprigs rosemary

1 1/2 pound ground pork

1 1/2 pound ground beef

2 cups milk

1 (28-ounce) can crushed tomatoes

2 cups dry red wine

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

1 pound dry tagiatelle pasta

Freshly grated Parmigiano-Reggiano, for serving

1 handful fresh basil leaves

Fresh ricotta cheese


Reconstitute the mushrooms in boiling water for 20 minutes until tender, drain and coarsely chop.

Puree the mushrooms, pancetta, onion, celery stalks, carrots, garlic, together in a blender.

In a heavy-bottomed pot add olive oil, bay leaves, herbs and cook gently until fragrant, then add vegetable puree and continue to cook for a further 5 to 10 minutes.

Raise the heat a bit and add the ground pork and beef; brown until the meat is no longer pink, breaking up the clumps with a wooden spoon. Add the milk and simmer until the liquid is evaporated, about 10 minutes. Carefully pour in the tomatoes, and wine and season with salt and pepper. Bring the sauce to a boil, then lower the heat and cover. Slowly simmer for 1 1/2 to 2 hours, stirring now and then, until the sauce is very thick. Taste again for salt and pepper.

When you are ready to serve, bring a large pot of salted water to a boil, add the pasta and cook for 8 to 10 minutes or until tender yet firm (as they say in Italian "al dente"). Drain the pasta well and toss with the Bolognese sauce.

How do YOU diet?



Monday, October 3, 2011


Namaste. Namaste. Namaste! I must say this 50+ times a day. I guess I think that the more you say it the more chance it has of working. But I'll be honest, I think it's my "serenity now", so see you all at Bellevue in the next five years. I practice yoga. Not as often as I'd like to, or as I should. But I never get that zen vibe from it. I always feel like I'm doing something good for my body but I never feel that equilibrium.

My mother was recovering from surgery and her insurance covered private yoga teacher/therapist told her that yoga was as stress relieving as 1/10th of Xanex. That it was the natural form released by your body. Well, I don't know if this lady has had grade A pharmaceutical Xanex but that is bullshit. I've never felt as calm on anything as I do on Xanex. It's not that I was to be a pill popper, despite my name, but I tried it the natural way and it has never worked.

Whenever something goes wrong in my day I say to myself (or blurt out loud depending on how critical the situation is) namaste!!! I'm still holding out hope that one day it will work- or at least lower my blood pressure.

Do you have any tricks for staying calm when shit hits the fan?

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Is It Ever OK To Steal?

Thou shalt not steal is the eighth commandment. I thought it was first, but thank you Google, and sorry years of Sunday School spent wishing I was at the park playing like normal kids. But, God's sidekick Moses brought down some stone tablets told us we better whip our asses into shape. But that was like forever ago. A lot has changed. When commandments meant something Real Housewives were people who actually cooked and cleaned for their families.

So, is it ever ok to steal? The only time I ever want to is at the hair salon. Walking into the closet at my fancy Beverly Hills salon is very tempting. There's Missoni, Chanel, and Prada...oh my! They are all arranged on wood hangers just lounging there until their owner comes to pick them up. I'd never actually take anything but the thought always crosses my mind. I mean, that Rebecca Taylor leopard cashmere sweater would just go so perfectly with the jeans I have on. And it seems like stealing gets you in a minimal amount of trouble these days (if you get caught). Hi Lindsay and Winona. Yeah, I'm talking about you.

I find it even more fascinating that now-a-days, it's people who have the money to actually purchase these items that are getting a cheap thrill from swiping them. It's OK if it crosses your mind. And I'll say up front if I ever see a pair of size 37.5 Louboutins laying around in the street like a lost wallet they might not be going back to their owner...but if you take something that's something you aspire to have, what do you have left to work for. That Birkin bag will mean so much more when you've accomplished a task to earn it than if you got a five finger discount.

So, I think thou shalt not steal is pretty right on. I mean there isn't a commandment about fantasizing about it. That's what makes us human.

Have you ever stolen? What would you fantasize about stealing? High-end jewel heist? Or a priceless Banksy?