Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Diet Like A Star

Want to look like a star? Go from this (photo of Lindsay Lohan where she looked healthy, hot, and thin) to this (photo of Lindsay Lohan with her puffy face and under eye bags) in just a matter of weeks. Try the celebrity tested Chateau Marmont diet. This simple diet plan consists of 3 packs of Parliment Lights each day to be smoked at breakfast, lunch, dinner, and all hours in between, vodka cocktails, and of course the Chateau's famous Spaghetti Bolgenese. Can't get a res at The Chateau? No problem. Here's our make it at home version of the cocktail and Blogenese. For faster results, omit the Blogenese all together. For fitness, throw cocktails in your ex-lover's face as often as possible and arrive at nightclubs you've been banned from so you will have to walk away for some extra cardio.

Vodka Cocktail

2 oz vodka

3 oz soda water

1 Klonopin crushed (optional)



2 ounces dried porcini mushrooms, wiped of grit

1/4 pound pancetta or slab bacon, finely chopped

1 medium onion, finely chopped

2 celery stalks, finely chopped

2 carrots, finely chopped

5 garlic cloves, minced

2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil, plus more for drizzling

2 bay leaves

2 sprigs rosemary

1 1/2 pound ground pork

1 1/2 pound ground beef

2 cups milk

1 (28-ounce) can crushed tomatoes

2 cups dry red wine

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

1 pound dry tagiatelle pasta

Freshly grated Parmigiano-Reggiano, for serving

1 handful fresh basil leaves

Fresh ricotta cheese


Reconstitute the mushrooms in boiling water for 20 minutes until tender, drain and coarsely chop.

Puree the mushrooms, pancetta, onion, celery stalks, carrots, garlic, together in a blender.

In a heavy-bottomed pot add olive oil, bay leaves, herbs and cook gently until fragrant, then add vegetable puree and continue to cook for a further 5 to 10 minutes.

Raise the heat a bit and add the ground pork and beef; brown until the meat is no longer pink, breaking up the clumps with a wooden spoon. Add the milk and simmer until the liquid is evaporated, about 10 minutes. Carefully pour in the tomatoes, and wine and season with salt and pepper. Bring the sauce to a boil, then lower the heat and cover. Slowly simmer for 1 1/2 to 2 hours, stirring now and then, until the sauce is very thick. Taste again for salt and pepper.

When you are ready to serve, bring a large pot of salted water to a boil, add the pasta and cook for 8 to 10 minutes or until tender yet firm (as they say in Italian "al dente"). Drain the pasta well and toss with the Bolognese sauce.

How do YOU diet?




  1. She wasnt thin at all. Actually she was quite fat I think...Also her "diet" if its like you say is too insane. I cut down on smoking and just started eating healthily,

    Love the way you write!
    Follow you ;)

  2. Thank you! All satire just for fun reading...but I wouldn't be surprised if my imaginary diet is pretty spot on :)