Sunday, April 17, 2011

Is It Wrong That I Wasn't Attracted To A Guy Until He Offered Me Drugs?

Another dating rant...getting bored yet? Let me set the scene. It was a Saturday night. I got off work and was driving home. I was getting excited about my pay-per-view (because Time Warner had kindly sent me a coupon for a .99 cent movie) and a late night snack until I looked at the clock. 11:24PM. 11:24PM! 11 fucking 24 PM! I couldn't stop repeating the time.

How did this happen??? I used to be cool. I used to be a "party girl" and know where all of the action was all the time. I used to have people asking ME what to do on a Saturday night. And now I'm getting ready to settle in at 11:24PM. No fucking way. I called up a friend who said I should meet her at The Dime. The Dime was one of my regular haunts in my hay day. Nine times out of ten if you went out any night of the week I'd be there. But I hadn't been there in at least 2 years. It wasn't the happening spot anymore but I figured it was better than being at 11:24PM on Saturday.

She went to meet a guy she had on and off feelings for and I went to not die of self-loathing. One of the guy's friends had just moved to LA that week and was cute but I kinda lost interest when I found out he was from Cult-ville, Texas. Can you get more white bread and generic? He was cute but when I tried to make conversation we had nothing in common. At times I kinda wished I had gone home and finally watched Country Strong. But I stuck it out. He was flirting and lets be honest...I could use the practice.

I started telling him how I was tired and used to be cool and was part of the in crowd. He jokingly suggested that I try a little blow to keep myself awake. To which my reply was "honey...been there, done that, have the t-shirt. Except I was definitely more fun when I partook in extra-curricular activities." He then proceeded to offer me cocaine. I was shocked. I thought he had just mentioned it because he'd seen "Bright Lights, Big City" and "Less Than Zero" and thought that that's what people in LA did. I didn't think he was holding.

And that's when I became attracted to him. I politely declined and told him those were days of yesteryear for me but I couldn't help how much my interest in him had peaked. Maybe he wasn't as corn fed as I thought. After that when he asked for my number I gave it to him willingly. We shall see what happens...

Have you ever thought a guy was more attractive once you found out he had an edge? I like mine razor sharp.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

An Open Letter (that should be from) Lady GaGa

Dear Little Monsters (and everyone else out there that tries to emulate me),
I would like to put an end to this fashion madness. I know that I am able to pull off outlandish fashion that sometimes honestly isn't fashion as an amalgamation of ideas from my brain that hap pend to end up on my body, but most of you can't. When you wear a leotard in public and you're not a size 0 or 2 that is not OK. When you wear clothes that don't match for attention, that's not OK. When you wear your hair tied in a bow on top of your head, not OK. Please stop.


Lady GaGa is a pop star. Emphasis on the word star. She has worked hard and made her mark. She is an innovator. When Sally Doe from Northridge wears a GaGa-esq outfit out on a Saturday night she looks retarded (and don't get on me for being slanderous to the mentally challenged. No other word fits, OK?). Lady GaGa has earned the right to dress like that. She is an innovator. Sally works at Hamburger Hamlet.

Sally is what I like to call part of the GPop. GPop = General Population. You can find them at the movies, Target in the suburbs, and at clubs on a Saturday night. Everyone knows that all of the cool kids go out during the week, right?

Wearing an outfit that is reminiscent of Lady GaGa just makes you look stupid. Please just stick to The Gap. I hope that I have reached some of you and that you now realize your place. Lets leave the fashion and music to GaGa so you can Just Dance.


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

How Jordan Catalano, Troy Dyer, Mr. Big, and Hank Moody Ruined My Life

Thanks a lot Hollywood. You've successfully brainwashed me and the other ladies of my generation. You really fucked us this time. You've made us fall in love with these selfish, slacker, self-involved, flawed bad boys who we think have potential and can change. Well, they can't and won't. They aren't beautifully broken, they are just assholes.

"Why are you like this? "
"Like what?"
"Like how you are." Jordan Catalano & Angela Chase- My So Called Life

What the fuck does that even mean? Why are you like this? Like how you are? What else can I expect though from a television character that can't read. I feel like now I'm programmed to go for these somewhat lovable losers that make us think that they will someday blossom into good men who don't hurt us and like us even when it isn't convenient for them.

Pop quiz hot shot...what would Jordan Catalano be doing now 17 years later if the show had gone on for more than one glorious season. Well he'd probably be fat, just mastering Dr. Seuss, and cheating on you with the local bar maid (who's fat by the way) while you're at home tucking your kids into bed. You would be the main breadwinner while he locked himself in the garage working on his car, Red, every Saturday afternoon.

Troy Dyer... you think you're any better? You totally shat all over Lelaina until the last ten minutes of the movie and something tells me you continued to do it.

Mr. Big...first off YOU MARRIED SOMEONE ELSE. Excuse me, first you jerk Carrie around
for two years and then marry that waspy waif. As if she doesn't have enough troubles you pop into her life just when she's happy but she always takes you back. Gee, I wonder why me and all of my friends forgive any attractive man w/ puppy dog eyes...

Last but not least Hank Moody. Ok, you're hot. No, you're sexy. But you're the eternal fuck up. We all keep hoping that one day you will get the point but you never do. And somehow that makes you even sexier and more lovable (and you keep profiting dollars).

Well, thank you to the world of entertainment. Because of these leading male characters that you've poisoned my brain with, now I have to pay a doctor $175 an hour to listen to why I choose the wrong men that can charm you and melt my heart but are never right for me. You owe me a refund. And a good boyfriend for once.

That's all.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

There HAS To Be A Balance...

Alright ladies...throw your hands up if you've ever dated someone who's recreational love affair with certain substances has gone beyond recreation. Most of us female Angeleanos have done this one, twice, or five times. We laugh, we cry, we visit them at Betty Ford but inevitably, we know that the relationship won't work.

It's really hard to find a drug-free guy in Los Angeles. Booger Sugar is more popular than In-N-Out. What I didn't expect when looking for a guy with a clean nose was what I would find on the opposite side of the spectrum. Who knew there were so many guys that DON'T DRINK?!?!

Listen, if you have a problem, that's one thing. But I don't trust people that just don't drink. What is the point in that? First of all, a lot of alcoholic beverages are very tasty. Second, buzzed isn't drunk. Who doesn't love that fresh feeling of immortality somewhere around the first half of that second cocktail. Third, alcohol has lead me to a lot of decisions that have provided me with fodder for the rest of my life and will help prove to my grandchildren that I was once a hip chick.

Where is the balance? It seems like my only choices are a guy with a Hoover for a nose, or a Mormon. Where's the guy that drinks two scotches at The Chateau and books a room off the buzz? Where's the guy who has a few beers and gets a little too rowdy? Are you out there? If so, you know where to find me.