Monday, March 28, 2011

It's Kind Of Insulting When Celebrities Don't Try To Sleep With You

I'm not here to put anyone on blast, but I must get this off my chest. When you are at a certain places in Los Angeles you will see celebrities, that's a given. Been there, done that, blown that line of coke. But there are always those select few that will still give you butterflies in your stomach. I saw one of them this past weekend and he's known to be a bit of a man-whore. Now while this is probably a turn off for normal girls, this gets me wet. I mean, I have to exert enough effort in every other part of my life. If I can meet celebrity X and he wants to go in the bathroom of the restaurant, there's an easy check off my bucket list.

Now here's the thing. Celebrity X totally eyefucked the shit out of me about 9 months ago. So he obviously wants to hit this. Now, I run into his this weekend and nada, zip, zilch. He's a man-whore and didn't attempt to have sex with me? What is wrong with him? He will sleep with ugly, anybodys and didn't try to sleep with me? I'm officially insulted. Talk about a blow (no pun intended) to my self-esteem. I'm not eating for the next few weeks.

Some women might think this is respectful and wouldn't want a ride on the town bicycle. But this is LA baby I'm ready to straddle that seat. And if I do run into him again I might just have to step up my game a little bit.

Has this ever happened to you?

Addendum To LA Party Games

Weave or real hair? It's pretty self-explanatory, but fun!

Friday, March 25, 2011

LA Party Games

Move over Hasboro because Trivial Pursuit ain't got nothing on me. After being a resident of Los Angeles for a few years sometimes you start to lose interest in the party scene. Ok, who am I to knock on open bar, tray passed hors d'oeuvres and gift bags? But sometimes it's like you've been to one party you've been to them all. As it is part of my job to attend functions like this on a regular basis I've had to develop my own entertainment (you literally see the same people, doing the same thing in a different venue, promoting a different magazine/beauty product/brand). I'd like to invite you to try these games. I've taken a long time perfecting them and the beauty is they can be done anywhere. Literally in any city, in any venue- although you'll probably have the most fun with them in LA. Now, ladies and gentlemen....drumroll please...I present to you: Is She Thinner Than Me? And, The Cocaine Game.

Is She Thinner Than Me
*Note you need at least two people to players so you can confirm your friend's conclusions or reject them.

1. Try to find celebrities if you're in LA but if you're in another city you can just choose girls who seem to be getting a lot of attention or have a hot boyfriend.

2. Judge every aspect of the girls body. Legs, arms, back fat, stomach. Be particularly critical of each area that you are inspecting.

3. Determine your conclusion and have your friend(s) confirm or reject your conclusion

If you are thinner than the other girls 9 times out of 10 congratulations! You probably have at least a mild form of an eating disorder but at least you are rocking the 90's Heroine Chic Waif Look. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, right?

If you aren't thinner than 9 out of 10 girls you should probably try a diet and stay away from carbs.

The Cocaine Game
*Note this game requires at least two players

1. You and a friend go into separate bathrooms
talls of any location you are in. If you are in LA, The Chateau Marmont or any club is preferable.

2. Lock the door.

3. Run your hand along the top of the toilet tank.

4. See how much cocaine you pick up.

5. Exit the stall and compare how much cocaine each of you have picked up.

6. The person that has the most cocaine on their fingers wins.

Whoever had the most cocaine wins the cocaine the other person picked up. Either dispose of it or give your nose a small treat.


Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Are My Boobs Starting To Sag?

*Note these are not my breasts. Though they are lovely and I give great thanks for their use here. Gracias amateur lingerie model.

I was touching my breasts today as I usually do. Not like full cuppage but I tend to make sure that things are firm. When they start to feel fuller I know that I need to put down the fork and hit the elliptical. I hate scales so I prefer to use my breasts as a measure for weight loss and gain.

PS Does anyone do those self-breast examinations? I know that I should especially with the history of breast cancer in my family but it seems weird to caress myself in a circular motion. I mean isn't that what doctors are for? If I have a $30 co-pay regardless I may as well get to second base with my hot gyno.

Anyway I started to have a horrific thought today...are my boobs starting to sag? Listen, I'm NOT old. But I'm not 19 anymore. I don't know if it's even possible since I have had a little work done in that area. I will go on the record to say I do NOT have implants but will keep the particulars about my cosmetic caper to myself.

Perhaps I'm just getting insecure about getting older and being single and the fact that I'm the only one that touches and sees my breasts on a daily/weekly/ or monthly basis. Maybe my mind is starting to sag but that's been going on for awhile.

If you get nothing else out of this, I hope you have learned that you can legally pay for sexual favors.