Monday, September 26, 2011

Things I Learned At The Club Over The Weekend

You'd think I'd have it all figured out by this point, but sometimes I still learn lessons about the club. It may sound shallow, but think about it. There's no better social microcosm where people are in their least inhibited state. I hope these are as useful for you guys as they were for me.

NOTE: These may only be applicable to Los Angeles but, if you live somewhere else, they are worth a shot!

1. I Need To Dress Sluttier
Nice guys may finish last, but you know who always finishes first? Girls who dress slutty! This weekend, I was in my phase where I had to be out at "the club" but I didn't feel like getting all dolled up. I decided to go for skinny jeans, a sheer black top, and a black bra. If I went into a house of worship dressed like that I would've immediately burst into flames, but on the nightlife scene I might as well have been wearing a burka. Less than a handful (the actual number is actually embarrassing so I don't want to put it out there) talked to me. Really? I don't get these blond hair extensions sewn into my head for nothing. Meanwhile, it looked like Forever 21 exploded up in there. The girls in the polyester and latex mini dresses got all of the attention. Before any of you say it, I's not like I'd want those guys who were interested in those type of girls...but I wanted their attention in the moment. Needless to say, a shopping trip might be in order. Goodbye Gucci, hello clothes that are glued together by starving children in the Philippines.

2. Hanging Out With Celebrities Sometimes Makes You Even More Anonymous
This is LA. Partying with someone that was in a Marvel superhero movie isn't exactly a unique experience. Sometimes, it's fun though. Especially when everyone at your table is a notable actor and they are all seemingly unattached- except for when none of them acknowledge your existence. Lets be clear, I'm not a star fucker. Not by occupation, anyway. But when they all congregate in front of you and you might as well be invisible, it sucks. No thank you! I'd rather hang out with the other people (not the Forever 21 hos mentioned above) that at least talk to me to try to get me into bed. Ignoring someone whether you're famous or rude!

3. Girls Lie
Jealy that your bestie told you she made out with Leo post-Bar, pre-Blake? Want to gauge your eyes out because your co-worker said Jared Leto asked for her number? Don't pack up your apartment, take a vow of silence, and move to Bhutan just yet...they are probably LYING. What likely happened is Justin Timberlake accidentally spilled his drink on her when he was drunk, she tried to strike up a conversation, and he muttered how that alcohol was wasted under his breath. For some reason, I've come into contact with a lot of girls lying about their dalliances with celebrity men. What's the point? It's not like we won't see a paparazzi photo of them making out with Olivia Wilde (lets not pretend that she's not fucking all of the guys she claims she's just friends with) in a week. Who are you fooling? Lets stop the lies and focus on things that are important, like dieting.

I hope you will find these helpful. Stay tuned for what I learn at the club this week. Have you learned any lessons from the Gods Of Nightlife?



  1. Hahahahah whomever is writing this fictitious blog is a satirical genius

  2. Glad you like it! Hope you keep reading.